The Fairly OddParents VS Strategy Guide

 

The Fairly OddParents, Butch Hartman’s first and most successful franchise, one of the longest running and most Iconic of Nickelodeon's entire cartoon library, but also EASILY the most Powerful Verse the channel has ever produced! FOP is an extremely long series with a lotta material to go through and for the purposes of this will be considering all of its animated content, including all 10 seasons of the series, as well as the Preseries Oh Yeah! Cartoons shorts and all the various Movies and specials such as Abra-Catastrophe, Channel Chasers, Schools Out The Musical, Fairy Idol, The Wishology series and the Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Crossover Specials. That's a lot to cover so we’d better get into it, so Here's how to be OP in Fairly OddParents!

Planetary Tier:

We start things off in what is basically the Civilian tier of Fairly Oddparents, which is home to the normal human characters of the series as well as several species of Aliens and the general cast of comic book superheroes from the Crimson Chin series. Yes, despite the latter two groups clearly being established to be ‘Superhuman’ in verse, they don’t actually have any direct feats or scaling that puts them above the feats of the general civilian tier. The greatest amount I could scale the Superheros above Civilians comes from a single statement from Cosmo stating that The Crimson Chin fighting cosplayers dressed as his villains would be able to “Rip through them like Tissue.” If you take that at face value then that is numerous times stronger yes, but that wouldn’t be enough of a difference to grant them a tier of their own. In the Big Superhero Wish, a normal human Janitor, Firewoman and Milkman were able to defeat three villains on the NegaChin’s level, and later in the series Catman, who is a crazy actor who thinks he really is a superhero he played on TV, still managed to defeat the Real Crimson Chin’s entire rogues gallery. In addition to that, Vicky the 16 year old Babysitter was able to blatantly defeat the supposedly superhuman aliens Dark Laser and Mandie in separate battles, and Vicky is far from physically unstoppable in this tier. So yeah, While the Superhumans are somewhat stronger than the Normal Humans, the difference is clearly quite negligible in verse.

With that out of the way, The characters in this tier would be Large Planetary Level based on….actually several really consistent feats from throughout the series. Numerous characters have Tanked Black Holes including Crocker, Dark Laser on numerous occasions, and Vicky who has an actual, real fist-sized Black Hole Inside her Body where her heart should be, and is just….Fine. In Wishology, numerous civilian characters were able to survive standing on a planet that violently exploded, Dark Laser was similarly able to tank being at the epicenter of his planet-sized space station as it blew up all around him, and again Vicky is stronger than him. Timmy‘s Dad nearly destroyed the entire ocean by playing bongos too aggressively, and even more extreme, Timmy’s own Triangle playing created a shockwave powerful enough to violently break the moon in half, and everyone on Earth just tanked it. This makes Fairly Oddparents have one of the most physically powerful civilian tiers I have ever seen.

In terms of Speed, Well considering that Chester and AJ can dodge Laser beams, Timmy was able to perceive traveling through the Internet at the speed of light without issue, and Crocker was famously able to react to and block the resulting blast of Nuclear Fission, WHILE Standing on the Atom that was split, which is like reacting to something in 1 Femtosecond, a unit of time so small that Light only moves the length of a Virus within it, it's pretty clear that these characters are hundreds if not thousands of times the speed of light.

So Large Planet Level, FTL+ will be the limitations for characters here which leaves a surprisingly large pool of options for counters considering most of the people in this tier are human beings without any notable abilities, that being said there are a fair share of standout characters to note. Something that ironically is fairly high in this Magic based series is scientific knowledge, with even characters like Mr. Turner, apparently being smart enough to turn his car into a giant fighting robot. The actual Genius characters like Crocker and AJ being able to make devices like an interdimensional portal and a Time Machine. A Time Machine is normally considered a Type 3 Intelligence Feat on the Kardashev Scale, but I am actually going to say this is Type 4 considering AJ was able to build this from scratch in about 10 seconds using only Paperclips and Yarn as materials.

In addition to this there are multiple laser weapons in this series, the most notable one being Timmy Turner’s own Heat Vision, which he wished for in early season 1 and then the show in one of the most awesome callbacks ever, remembered he just has and never wished away in late season 5. These beams of pure heat are able to disintegrate even Fairies on contact which is a level of Destructive Capacity FAR outside this tier normally and thus is a potential oneshot threat to counters one could choose here.

While we are on random powers possessed by civilians, Mr. Turner has the ability to Read People's Minds, Catman has numerous stereotypical Batman Gadgets including a Stat bolstering Robo Suit, and villain characters such as Crocker have displayed enough regenerative abilities to come back after being sliced into tiny pieces. Timmy Turner in the film Abra-Catastrophe also came equipped with numerous magical gear that he should have access too if given prep, including a Jetpack, a magic resistant cloak, an unbreakable lasso of the tooth fairy’s dental floss, explosive eggs, a mask that can disguise your face as anything, a Mirror that can reflect attacks back to sender, and arrows that force one to fall Madly in love with the first person they see.

When talking about other species found in this verse, there were dragons in the medieval era of the world who, like stereotypical dragons, could fly, breathe fire and were completely impervious to Fairy Magic which could be a notable threat. But most of the other species found in Fairly Oddparents are aliens, such as the Yugopatamians, octopus-like beings who have access to advanced tech including MFTL spacecrafts that can blow up planets or Badass metal battlesuits with electrical attacks. Their most prominent member is Mark Chang, whose belt allows him to shapeshift into any form imaginable, and comes equipped with projectile attacks such as Knockout Gas and sticky immobilizing goo. Other aliens include Mandie, a powerful alien Princess who can fly, manipulate Plasma for attacks, detect the power level of foes including  Fairies, and induce stasis that could trap Cosmo and Wanda indefinitely, as well as Dark Laser, a Darth Vader parody who has telekinetic and mind control abilities.

Lastly we have to discuss the Superhero characters from the Crimson Chin comic series who occasionally are brought into the FOP reality. The Chin himself has some standard superman powers including flight, heat vision and x-ray vision, as well as his signature ability the Power Pupils, a beam he can shoot from his eyes that gives allies it hits similar powers to himself. Most of the Chin’s villains simply use normal projectile and explosive attacks. The two most notable villains include H2Olga, a logia being made of water who has various hydrokinetic powers, and The Nega-Chin, The Chin’s arch nemesis who has all his powers, the ability to enter and exit the Comic Book at will via immersion, and a dark counterpart to the Chin’s power pupils called Nega-Vision, a beam he can shoot from his eyes that removes the superpowers of whoever it hits and Gives those powers to the Nega-Chin.

So what weaknesses are found in this verse? So the first thing to address here, and this will most likely be a trend in this blog, but yeah every single character in this tier is a complete Moron. I Know I said they have impressive type 4 intellect feats, but this has to be some kinda savant situation as even those characters are cartoonishly naive and get constantly manipulated and make nonsensical decisions. A character with equal stats who is very Wise and Tactical, would already be quite a force to be reckoned with in context. As a matter or fact, ALL the secondary Stats are things this tier isn’t particularly very good at on average, making outlasting, out ranging, out fighting and out stealthing these characters fairly straight forward. Beyond that the verse has quite a few dangerous offensive abilities to throw at people, but with the exception of Dark Laser’s ‘Dark Powers’ literally ALL of them from Knockout Gas to Plasma attacks to even Nega-Vision are Projectile attacks, and therefore can be dodged, blocked or better yet Reflected. Attack Reflection would be extremely effective in this verse, as well as overall spatial manipulation abilities in order to prevent powers such as The Nega-Chin’s immersion or one of the scientist's portals. There aren’t that many general defenses in this tier a counter would have to pass either, there are a few beings who have high level magic resistance so one should avoid using magical characters, and they have some decent Regen, but most hax should work just fine. With all that considered my first counter is:

The Golden Eagle Twins:

Sticking with Nickelodeon, our first counters are the superhero Golden Eagle Twins from the El Tigre series. These two are powerful and fast enough individually to match and even Outmatch Manny in a head to head fight, the same Manny who can react to lasers that can travel to the Sun in 1 second, and overpower characters who could pull the Moon out of orbit at relativistic speed, easily allowing them to match the characters in this tier in stats. The GET have a pretty standard set of abilities for The Fairly Oddparents verse which they scammed from the god Kinich Ahau, making them divine and able to bypass magic resistance. These powers include Flight, and powerful energy projectiles, making them similar to someone like Mandie but ludicrously more competent, being able to match superhumanly skilled heroes and villains. That being said, this isn’t the primary reason I am picking them. Carla and Carlitos are the most beloved and respected superheroes in Miracle City, thought of as the sweetest, most perfect goodie two shoes heroes you can get, but in reality they are selfish spoiled con artists who have everyone trapped in their ruse. The Eagle Twins have everyone in their verse so convinced they are cool, awesome and celebrated heroes and have such high charisma that they can get away with pretty much anything. Super Villains Surrender to them on Sight because of how much of an honor it is to be defeated by them. People who they prevented from being robbed will literally give them all of the would-be stolen goods as gifts for helping them. Heck they literally tried to disintegrate a park full of old ladies and little kids, were stopped by El Tigre, and El Tigre went to jail for it, they are THAT Good. The El Tigre series’ civilians can have their dumb moments here and there, but they are still WAY Smarter than the Fairly Oddparents civilians in general, having consistently far more knowhow and street smarts. For Carla and Carlitos to have this level of influence over them, means they would for all intents and purposes be able to practically Mind Control everyone in this tier. Casually coming out on top in every situation without even needing to fight, and if they DO need to fight, their skill should more than suffice. Some of the biggest threats to the Golden Eagle Twins would be the stat bolstering abilities like various mech suits and the power pupils, as well as the potential draining of Nega Vision. That said they do have one more power that kinda handles both of those problems. When Carla and Carlitos are in physical contact with each other, their power increases one thousand fold. This would easily put them in a dwarf star level tier and would be higher than any of the normal stat buffs as well as beyond the draining limit of the Nega Chin’s abilities, as well as let them damage the characters beyond what any of their regen has shown to be able to fix. That being said, while they are more than equipped to take this tier on offensively, their defenses do leave it possible for them to be taken out in a surprise attack if not careful. For a safer option:

Tougou Mimori:

So someone I do think would be far safer in this verse would be Tougou from the Yuki Yuna is a hero series. In Mankai form Heros comparable to Touhou have been able to physically shatter moon-sized monsters without much issue, putting them more on a physical par with the various civilian characters here. Speedwise, the fastest things in YYH would only give her FTL Reactions so she would be at a notable disadvantage in that regard, but as someone with the Hero system, she doesn’t necessarily need to worry about being blitzed or hit by attacks. The Fairies that Tougou has creates an automatic barrier that would instantly shield her from any attack coming her way, preventing her from dying even from herself and blocking all physical and projectile attacks. And the stuff these Barriers have been shown to protect against is Insane, including things like Supernova’s, Black Holes, and even the universe destroying power of various dark gods….which is actually perfectly enough to protect Tougou from every single possible method of attack this verse could throw at her, including Timmy’s fairy harming Heat Vision, and the power draining Negavision. So talk about a safe option, they simply cannot reach her. Now with that said how good would Tougou be at attacking them back? Well on the plus side, since The Hero System is the Divine blessings of the god Shinju combined with technology and therefore not technically magic, none of the magical resistances in this tier matter. The biggest hurdle for her would therefore be killing the characters of this tier past defenses such as regeneration and logia, which while difficult are things she could do. Togo is a magical girl Sniper, and her attacks focus on distance, able to summon various long and mid range guns and even open portals which fire gigantic laser beams to annihilate foes before they even know what hit them. Upon doing enough damage these things are capable of directly destroying the target’s soul, so it's really just a matter of scoring enough hits. Now that may sound like a difficult task which would take a long time and to some degree that is true, but the thing is, Tougou Has the time, and the reason I specifically choose Her is simple, she's arguably the most intelligent and crafty hero on her team, and is more than willing to play this super dirty and put her targets into unwinnable situations because of her relative ability to think circles around them all. But if that would still take too long, I can most likely sway you with my last counter.

Gargos:

Yes here we are, Gargos the demonic Gargoyle lord of Killer Instinct! Gargos was capable in his introduction of flying down from space into the planet at speeds of over Mach 19,000, and dispersing all the clouds over North America with just the shockwave of doing so, which would place his power well in the Exatons. In terms of raw stats this isn’t going to let him keep up with these characters very well, but that disadvantage is only fair considering how hard he bullies them at everything else. First of all, Gargos is connected to the Astral Plane, a galaxy sized alternate dimension, which as long as it remains, allows him to immediately come back from any physical injury, and therefore this tier cannot kill him conventually. Even some of the more haxy powers in this verse, such as Nega-Vision would not be able to stop him, as he draws his powers from the Astral plane and he himself is not the source, The Astral Plane being far more large and potent than anything Negavision has absorbed in the past. And just to add insult to injury with that, Gargos also has the ability to absorb the superpowers of others upon defeating them, which was how he amassed his current astral status to begin with, allowing him to slowly grow stronger the longer this fight goes on. Gargos’ bread and butter power is Spatial Manipulation, able to open and even seal dimensional portals, preventing the scientist characters from opening any portals themselves, and using his portals to block and redirect the projectile attacks thrown at him, which is a common thing he does in his moveset. Gargos is a super intelligent and ancient entity, able to match wits with ARIA, who could comprehend every single thing ever written by humans in seconds and instantly became impossible for humans to beat at chess. This intelligence also allowed him to play essentially a chess game using the KI combatants as his pawns, manipulating Jago for years under the guise of the god he worshiped, which means Gargos would be able to turn this verse on its head without even lifting a wing. If he does wanna get involved directly though, he's got plenty of Oneshot Hax that should kill anyone in this tier immediately, including Corruption, Eating their souls, draining away their lifeforce or taking over their minds in no less than 4 different ways, all of which he could totally do as all of these are natural Astral abilities and not sorcery. Coupled with his advanced illusions and there's simply nothing this verse could do to stop his invasion.

Universal Tier:

The 2nd tier of the series as well as the Tier that made the series famous overall is what I like to call the Fairy Tier where Cosmo, Wanda, Poof and the other various members of the Fairy Species can be found. Now Granted, Fairies aren’t the only magical creatures who would be included in this tier, numerous other species such as Anti-Fairies, Pixies, Gnomes, Leprechauns, Genies and various Holiday associated beings would be in this tier as well, but since they all have pretty much identical power sets, yeah it's basically just the fairy tier.

Despite how non threatening they may look, Fairies are easily the most powerful race of characters in all of Nickelodeon, with individual members constantly and casually being portrayed as able to Destroy the entire Universe, as showcased with feats such as Jorgan simply crushing a Big Bang in the palm of his hand, or the Newborn Baby Poof almost wiping out the universe with his power. And this isn’t merely just the destructive capability of their magic either, this is their natural physical power as shown when Jorgan and Cosmo were able to stop a Universe annihilating explosion by smothering it with their physical bodies and were completely unharmed.

Speedwise, a group of 200 Fairies were once famously able to search every corner of the entire universe for Cosmo in only around 3 hours time, a feat which would place individual fairies in the Quintillions of times the speed of light tier. So that will be the limit for counters statwise, which really isn't that much of a limit cause holy crap there are only a few hundred series in existence that have characters higher than that.

Now in terms of abilities, Fairies are immortal creatures who utilize a very commonly used powersource in fiction known as Magic, and if you recall my Shirley VS Strike blog, you know that Fairy Magic in this series essentially allows one to do ANYTHING, straight up Universal levels of Reality Warping that works up to the conceptual and even Abstract plane. Any common power that you can think of, Fairies either have it, or can instantly give it to themselves via their magic if they so choose. They can fly, teleport, create matter, shapeshift or turn others into anything, see the future, manipulate Space and Time on a universal scale in Any conceivable way, regenerate from being erased conceptually from existence, immerse things into fictional works, resurrect the dead, turn intangible, imbue someone with any number of superpowers, bolster or undermine any stat or skill from zero to infinity, duplicate themselves or others without limit, manipulate minds on a universal scale however they want, turn invisible, travel into other planes of existence and summon beings from someone's imagination. And that’s just to name a few, we would be here ALL day If i tried to go into every single thing they have done or theoretically could do. The most important thing to understand about a Fairies power is that they have Math Manipulation, and a really good version at that, able to literally make 2 + 2 = Fish correct with a wave of their wand. Math is the abstraction from which all of reality as we understand it including concepts are built upon. If you have control over Math, you are functionally a godlike being who can toy with Concepts like playdough and utilize any power short of Chaos Manipulation or Metafictional Manipulation.

The Fairies powers ARE Limited by way of Da Rulez, a magical book which outlines what a Fairy cannot use their magic to do, and will prevent their magic from functioning if they try to violate one of these rules. That being said, pretty much every single thing Da Rulez prevents can be circumvented with a more clever wish that accomplishes the rule breaking desire as a side effect. Such as how a Fairy cannot wish every human dead, but they CAN wish for a planet sized asteroid to crash into the Earth.

So if they are that powerful then how does anything stop these guys? Well Fairies have quite a lot of weaknesses actually, some of which are totally contrived and hilariously inconsistent, but to give a few of the more solidly established ones, Butterfly Nets. According to Fairly Oddparents ‘if it has wings and flies, a Butterfly Net can catch it’ and this seemed to be a law of the universe because fairy magic does not work on beings who use Butterfly Nets and once inside of one a Fairy loses all their powers and cannot escape it through any means. Beyond that Fairies rely on Magic Wands to use their magic, and without them, they lose all their powers and can even be turned into humans, and to make that even worse any being that picks up their wand, can just totally use it, there is no security or skill requirement in these things whatsoever. Fairies cannot use Magic on Christmas due to loaning all their powers to Santa, Shrinking Fairies cuts their magic supply so much they can only do parlor tricks, things that are magical, or last forever cannot be destroyed via Fairy Magic, and any being who has more Magic or Supernatural power than a Fairy, is simply resistant to their powers. Magic Build Up will occur if a Fairy goes more than 24 hours without using magic, which will cause their body to explode into confetti and they will require outside help to return to normal. And lastly, Fairies are weak to Witches, and I don’t mean Witches that are comparable to themself, Witches far weaker than them or any strength level will literally nullify a Fairies magic with their presence.

All this said, these things are all weaknesses of Fairies specifically and there ARE a couple beings in this tier that these would not apply to. The most dangerous magic user in the verse by far is Norm the Genie who has pretty much all the same powers as Fairies but with 3 major differences, those being that he is A. Far smarter than any Fairy, B. has no rules restricting how he can use his magic and C. casts magic directly and doesn’t rely on any tools like wands. That said, like most Genies, he is bound to his lamp and cannot cause major damage while bound to his lamp without tricking his current master into wishing for it.

But there is one more group of characters to talk about here and those are the Eliminators, robotic beings created by and in service of The Darkness, who battle Fairies and other beings on its behalf. Eliminators are made of Liquid Metal and are capable of regenerating from scraps, duplicating themselves from their severed pieces and shapeshifting into anyone or anything, including a wide variety of vehicles and weapons. They have massive super senses that can hear things from across the universe, and the ability to make dimensional portals to travel anywhere in existence instantly. Eliminator’s signature ability is to turn their mouths into black holes that can lead directly into The Darkness itself, which allow them to disarm foes, capture enemies and summon backup. They also Automatically use these black holes to suck in any weapon that is used against them, and then incorporate said weapon into their body, this even included a Fairies wand and allowed them to warp reality just like Fairies.

So what are the Overall weaknesses of this tier? Well besides the weaknesses of Fairies I already pointed out, Fairies are actually FAR Dumber than the previous tier. Fairies are a species of comically gullible, naive, and mentally unstable ignoramus’ who are accidentally responsible for basically every tragic thing that happened in their verse’s history from the death of the dinosaurs to World War I. To be blunt, If i was ranking cartoon Idiots, Billy from Billy and Mandy would be first, and then the entire Fairy Species would be 2nd. Fairies are complete idiots who are practically incapable of using their magic with tactics and whatnot. This has led to things like Crocker single handedly conquering Fairy World in like 5 minutes after being teleported there without even any of his tech. That's not even a one off occurrence as similar things have happened with the even weaker Professor Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron and an army of Cockroaches. The Fairies are constantly made helpless in the face of characters who logically shouldn’t stand a chance against them due to their sheer ineptitude, with straight F students like Timmy able to fool the entire species for 50 straight years at one point. Other magical characters ARE more intelligent than Fairies, yes, but even Norm, who is known for having the wisdom of 50,000 years of experience and being too smart for Timmy, WAS able to be outsmarted by…a lawyer. A fairly wise person in real life is just automatically a GOD tier manipulator in Fairly Oddparents. This then leads me into my second weakness for these characters and that is their total lack of Hax Resistance. Fairies with their magic, COULD make themselves resistant to pretty much any conventional hax, but normally they don’t have any active hax defenses whatsoever and I can’t think of a single example of them using magic to prevent themselves from being haxed. Fairies have been mind controlled, frozen in time, transmutated, erased from reality, sealed away and all sorts of other things by far weaker characters and Could not save themselves without outside help. So with this in mind, what counters could we use in this verse?

Yuuko Ichihara:

So my first thought was to use none other than Dimensional Witch Yuuko from the xxxHolic series. She should be on a similar physical/magical par with The Fairies themselves, given how in the canonical Midsummer Night’s Dream film, she was able to flatly tank attacks from a ghost who could compact a Universe into a room of his mansion. Yuuko should also scale past Larg, a magical creature she created who could send 100,000,000 texts in a single second, calced at over 5 times the speed of light. While that would be far slower than the Fairies, the fact is, Yuuko exists outside of conventional spacetime, experiencing past present and future at once and is unable to be affected by things that happen in conventional time, such as how she could remain unaffected even after the entire multiverse and all of time were ending, thus making a blitz pretty much inconceivable. Now could Fairies theoretically alter Yuuko’s state of being and kill her as a result due to allowing her to move forward in time to her death? Of Course they can! Do I think they would figure out to do that in a million years? Would NOT bet on it. But do they really need to specifically do that to kill her? Yes actually, as Yuuko is a mage from CLAMP, who all naturally possess the ability to Resist magical attacks from beings that aren’t stronger sorcerers than themselves. Given their stats, this means that Yuuko should have a passive and fairly resilient defense against Fairy magic. Just like the Fairies, Yuuko is a Wish granter and has the ability to Warp reality to her whim to make these wishes happen. But unlike Fairies who are reckless idiots with this power, Yuuko is one of the most clever and crafty beings in the entire multiverse, to the point she was able to play a prank on the nearly omniscient super wizard Clow Reed. Yuuko has a crapton of various magical powers, including some particularly broken things like amping the stats of herself and others potentially to infinity as she did to Ashura, or the ability to manipulate souls, or control probability to an extent,all of which would work perfectly on Fairies. Her bread and butter ability is spacetime manipulation, which she could easily use to simple, BFR the Fairies wands away when they are not looking and win, or even keep it and use it for herself, which she would totally know to do as she can sense sources of magical power. Heck Yuuko can even use her matter destruction/manipulation to destroy said wands entirely and completely remove the fairies access to their magic supply, or even use her powers to remove someone’s magic and give it to herself, similar to how she gave Domeki Watanuki’s magic, which would depower anything in verse including the Eliminators. But on the one hand it seems fairly obvious that Yuuko, a magic wielder just as crazy as the fairies, would be able to handle them. So how about we keep going to find those that can counter them with the least on paper.

John Constintine:

First let's talk about Constintine from DC comics. John obviously doesn’t stand any chance against the Fairies in a straight up fight, so he uses his good old wit and manipulation to take them down. And I wasn’t kidding about the Silver Tongue, with it John is one of the most impressive manipulators in DC Comics, able to trick or deceive numerous absolutely ancient Hyper intelligent geniuses such as First of the Fallen. What I am basically saying is, John Constantine is so insanely skilled at manipulation it is essentially a superpower in and of itself, I kid you not he could probably win this with a single sentence, convincing fairies to just let him borrow their wand for a second, and then boom, he'd be able to instantly win with one big spell just from his strategy. Constantine’s stats are super low in comparison so he could be easily blitzed and one shot, but he has SOOOO Much experience going up against characters just like that who are far more serious than the Fairies and always comes out on top, so I would perfectly relay on his ability to do so here, especially considering his lowkey nature to not be seen as a threat. John is also an incredibly skilled Sorcerer who has a large variety of hax that should allow him to stop a fairy if given the chance, including Mind Control and Power Nullification both strong enough to affect Swamp Thing, making advanced illusions, traveling to other dimensions, and Forced Empathy that would transfer damage his should have received to his opponent. With all that said, the threat of John being accidently taken out from across the planet or something by a stray fairy spell still exists. So for my Ultimate Counter…

The Villager: 

Yes, the ultimate counter I have for this tier is none other than The Villager, the main player character of Animal Crossing, who I think can take on ALL The Fairies. In terms of Stats, Animal Crossing is not exactly the most powerful verse, with the Villager’s best strength feat being a Small Building level feat where he can break through large boulders, and having only athletic human speeds. Obviously stat wise he doesn’t stand a chance against Fairies, who are so powerful and fast I don’t even think giving him Smash scaling would be enough, but it Does him the benefit of not being considered a threat. But what the heck does he have that can possibly help here? Welllll, I guess one of his main powers is having Hammerspace where he stores a variety of tools he uses to accomplish tasks around the village, but they are mostly mundane things like an Axe, Slingshot, Umbrella, Shovel, Vaulting Pole, Ladder…….A Butterfly Net. Yes whether he is actively holding it or not, The Villager always has a Butterfly Net on his person, and if you recall, having a Butterfly Net prevents Fairies from Harming or even Effecting you by ANY Means. This one tool would give the Villager total immunity from Fairy Magic, as well as the ability to render any Fairy he gets his hands on powerless. But could he really get his hands on them? The speed disparity is Mind Boggling here. Well that gives us another huge advantage, Fairies are Idiots, and get blindsided, snuck up on and even talked to and tricked by far slower characters all the time who used even the slightest bit of strategy. The Villager is known for having extremely high intelligence and charisma, coming into a village of animals as a human outsider, and managing to become their beloved mayor and solving all the cities problems in only 2 weeks, despite being a child with no prior experience or training in doing so. The Villager would be a GOD Tier Manipulator in FOP and could simply talk a fairy down or even convince them to give him their wand with little effort. Heck, when you consider that he also has a fishing rod in his arsenal, which he has used to grab far off objects from at a distance and real into his possession before, he could also just steal wands that way before they even realize. If in possession of a Fairy Wand, The Villager automatically can become as powerful as a Fairy in stats and abilities, but with his far higher intellect, and considering single fairies have haxed ALL the other Fairies in the past with just one cast of their wand, Yeah with the right spell The Villager can almost Insta-Win from there. Given their prominence in the series, The Villager would certainly encounter fairies well before any other being in this tier, so even though beings like Norm could be a threat hypothetically, given the Villager would likely have a wand at that point and Norm would certainly be bound to a lamp as well, he's not Really a threat. The biggest actual threat to The Villager are the Eliminators, who if he tried to use a wand to attack them directly, could absorb his wands and take his stats and reality warping. But even in this scenario The Villager is still safe as Butterfly Nets are able to protect one from any being that has absorbed Fairy Magic, even Shirley. And there's another ability that The Villager has that would totally solve this problem for him, Time Manipulation. The Villager has the ability to create save states in the game to go back and correct mistakes and even travel through time, and yes both of these things are canonical powers he has and not just game mechanics as they are actually part of the game's story. With this, if The Villager messes up AT ALL in trying to secure a wand or battle any of these enemies, he can straight up Undo what just happened and try again, a Hax that we know for a Fact is super effective on these characters from the episode “Deja Vu.” The Villager also has a perfect direct power that could totally take out the Eliminators, the power to turn objects into leaves, a form of transmutation that does not utilize any tools and would completely remove anything for these robots to regen from. Simply Put, the Villager is the unlikely hero who just happens to have the perfect combination of powers to be Untouchable here.

Multiverse Tier:

This is the final tier of Fairly Oddparents and home to only one character, the primary threat of the Wishology series and apocalyptic threat feared by all fairies, The Darkness. The Darkness is an ancient Primordial entity that predates reality as we understand it, resembling a sentient black hole traveling through space leaving only cosmic destruction in its wake. In The Fairly Oddparents verse The Darkness is treated as an unstoppable force of nature, casually swallowing celestial bodies Unicron style and was even able to defeat Every Fairy at once. Given Fairies are casually universe level and there are at least tens of thousands of fairies, coupled with this thing being implied to be all there was before the universe, it clearly is in a tier of its own at multiverse level.

In terms of speed, well, the darkness WAS able to travel to and consume every single Star and Galaxy in the night sky in less than a single second from Earth’s perspective, something which would require speeds of……..Octillions of times the speed of light, which is one of the fastest Non Infinite speed feats I have ever heard of. So that's gonna be an interesting thing to try and match.

The Darkness doesn’t have Intelligence in the conventional sense, being more like a force of nature, that said it did display the ability to create the Eliminators from the previous tier which would be at least a type 3 intelligence feat, meaning it is still smarter than Fairies. Abilities wise, The Darkness can fly, manipulate electricity, and is completely immune to Fairy Magic, as it is able to absorb energy including magical energy that is thrown its way. Like a Black Hole, The Darkness can use its immense gravity to make anything essentially fall into its being, and once inside The Darkness will be able to completely read your entire mind and trap you in a complex illusion of your own life where everything goes perfectly and you never want to leave. The reason it does this is The Darkness is not evil, it is Lonely and seeks only companionship. This is what it wanted when it first approached the Fairies eons ago, but they stupidly reacted to its scary appearance and attacked it on site, causing it to fight back.

So how does one fight The Darkness? Well the good news for someone trying is The Darkness in its loneliness only seeks to kill something as a last resort, its primary goal is to capture alive and unharmed so in character, the Darkness would not be going all out from the start, giving a counter far more time for their plan of attack then they reasonably should if an entity like this was bloodlusted. As a second note, like any Black Hole, The Darkness sucks in matter to gain energy, but if something causes it to lose energy it will eventually disintegrate, so energy draining is a key thing to use against it. With that in mind, my first counter here would be:

Squirrel Girl:

So first and foremost I think one pretty clear thing that is established to work on The Darkness is befriending the thing, which after looking past its form even a complete Asshole like Timmy was able to do. Someone like Doreen Green, the Squirrel Girl from Marvel, who has a passive Charisma aura that makes various villains' Own Summons turn against them for her, would pretty much instantly pacify this thing. Even if that didn’t work for whatever reason, Doreen is incredibly well equipped to fight this thing, being strong enough to overpower Low Multiverse level Marvel villains like Thanos and Mephisto, and keep up with Ratatoskr who can traverse multiple universe sized realms in seconds putting her slower, but most likely stronger than this thing. Doreen can breathe and survive in the vacuum of space, use jet powered flight, and potentially just overwhelm this beast with an army of ghost squirrels with comparable stats she can call forth at will. Even if engulfed by The Darkness, Doreen has resisted Mind Manipulation from powerful entities like Ratatoskr before and broken free of a nightmare trap created by Nightmare, the concept of dreams himself, which is like what The Darkness does on steroids. She could easily escape from this, and since none of her attacks are energy or magic based, The Darkness’ normal hax defense is simply nonapplicable. But beyond that, Doreen is a beacon of hope and comparison, an empathetic hero who wishes to save everyone and everything, even the villains who she has actually been notably effective at diplomatically getting through to and redeeming. Squirrel Girl is a genius and very perceptive, so I think she’d immediately see through its menacing appearance and get to work at what she does best. So more than anything, Squirrel Girl likely would only need a few minutes to completely remove this thing as a threat peacefully, just like the original story. If she had to actually kill it though, while she is equipped to do so, it likely would take awhile, for a more efficient option.

Flandre Scarlet:

If the Darkness wants to play with someone, Why not set it up with someone who plays a little Rough. Flandre Scarlet is a Vampire from the Touhou Project series, Vampires are established to be the 2nd physically strongest species in Touhou behind only Oni, who have a crapton of feats involving them casually destroying realms far larger than our own universe. Vampires are also the second fastest species in Touhou behind only the Tengu, an in fact Remilia’s own sister was once able to fly around the entire moon and Kick Yorihime in the face before anyone present even saw her move, considering that many of these characters are able to fly Quadrillions of times the speed of light, this level of blitzing Should put the vampires in the Septillions of times Light range, meaning it's actually possible for Flandre to fight this monster directly, especially considering her ability to split herself into 4 duplicates which would make the Darkness keeping up that much more difficult. Flandre has numerous common abilities found in Touhou that would be helpful in taking on The Darkness, including flight, vacuum adaptation, and a mind strong enough to resist seeing the true moon which drove every human on the planet insane, which coupled with her vampire senses mean there is no way for The Darkness to mind manipulate her. As a Vampire, Flandre can regenerate her body from a single hair on her head, to survive any normal attack it manages to land, and while this does come with a weakness to Sunlight…I highly doubt The DARKNESS can capitalize on that. A lot of the common attacks in Touhou would do absolutely nothing to the darkness. If it can absorb the universal reality warping magic of every Fairy at once I don’t think a large spread of magic danmaku projectiles is going to cut it, thankfully she has a way around this. Flandre’s primary power is called the ability to “Destroy Absolutely Anything and Everything” which allows her to summon the ‘Eye’, or conceptual linchpin holding something's existence together into her palm, and crush it in her hand, which erases it from existence, and everything has an Eye. In one scenario of Touhou 17.5, Flandre’s destructive power was able to completely eradicate all of Hell, an Infinitely sized afterlife dimension on at least the physical and astral plane, meaning it certainly has the feats to prove that it can destroy whatever she wants. It was with this power she was able to defeat Yuuma, a beastly youki with the power to absorb any attack that came her way and grow stronger from it, a sage of Gensokyo literally pulling Flandre to Yuuma, knowing that her destructive ability would Bypass this. So yeah, Flandre’s main power could immediately destroy The Darkness, and its magic absorption would absolutely not protect it. But due to her mental instability, I ultimately don’t think Flandre is the BEST suited to defeat The Darkness.

Sailor Saturn:

That honor goes to Sailor Saturn from the Sailor Moon series. Sailor Saturn is very easily one of the strongest Senshi in the entire series, in her Eternal form being casually thousands of times above baseline universe level and capable of moving interplanetary distances in the time it takes other Senshi just to turn around, which should put her into the Quintillions of times the speed of light range. But that's still basically a statue in speed compared to The Darkness, so what’s she even going to do? Well there's two caveats to that, 1. Hotaru’s powers allow her to survive as, continue to fight as, and even regenerate her body from nothing more than her Soul, so even if The Darkness goes all out and blitzes her from the start, there isn’t much it could do to permanently kill her. And 2. Hotaru doesn’t exactly look like much, being a frail teenage goth girl, the Darkness which already doesn’t wish to kill, but capture would certainly not go all out from the start anyway. Hotaru is unbelievably intelligent and wise, able to see the nature of creatures and circumstances, as such she would take one look at this thing and not have any fear at what looks like an intimidating cosmic monster, but understanding of its very nature as a lonely entity ostracized due to others fear of it, something I think they would both relate to. As a Sailor Senshi, Saturn is able to fly and survive in the vacuum of space just fine to encounter this thing, and due to the insane mental manipulation resistances that Senshi possess, even if she does end up consumed by this thing, there is no way it would be able to fool her with it’s mental illusions, allowing her to escape or even attack it from inside. Sailor Saturn is the Senshi of DEATH and has a lot of the most devastating and hax abilities or her kingdoms defenders, including The Silence, a suicide attack which ends All life in the entire universe. While that would certainly kill the Darkness, she also wouldn’t need to go anywhere near that far. But the Darkness is so good at absorbing magical Energy even every fairy at once couldn’t affect it. How's a magical girl supposed to attack this thing?  Well funny you should say that, The Darkness was actually based off of a monster from Sailor Moon, an evil sentient Nebula that absorbs souls and celestial bodies into itself for fuel called Pharaoh 90. This entity had the ability to absorb and nullify any magical energy that was thrown at it, even from the superior Sailor Moon, but because Hotaru utilizes Death, she doesn’t use energy to attack, but Entropy, draining away its lifeforce. This enabled her to absolutely Dominate Pharaoh 90 in front of everybody, and would similarly be the Darkness’s worst nightmare. And That's how to be OP in Fairly Oddparents!

Melissa Morbeck Rant: Comic Retrospective

 

So this is a bit of an unconventional blog I am making, But when I feel passionate about something sometimes I just gotta do something about it, so today we are going to be doing a thorough look at Melissa Morbeck, one of the most embarrassingly executed villains I know in Marvel who I have never seen anyone talk about and am thus forced to take matters into my own hands in offering criticism where it is needed.

Melissa Morbeck is a villain belonging to the Rogues Gallery of The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl who was first introduced in Unbeatable Squirrel Girl II Issue #17 in April of 2017, and was an antagonist of 8 of this run's 50 total issues. Their Reason for her appearing in so many issues, almost 20% of them, is because they fully intended Melissa to be an Arch Nemesis tier character to Doreen, equal to someone like Ratatoskr in terms of meaning to her.

Melissa is a BAD Villain, she has like no threat level, she constantly makes dumb decisions and her plans make no sense, but the thing that makes her really stand out as such a Bad and Frustrating character is not necessarily what she herself does, but how the Comic treats her. The Comic is totally unaware that she sucks, it constantly tries to paint her as this super competent, calculating and dangerous villain, and does this by having her be WAY more successful with her actions and plans than would ever be possible, by blatantly ignoring logic and introducing a lot of Plot AND Character Induced Stupidity. And to see what I mean, I am going to break down Melissa’s initial story arc throughout her first 4 issues in a Linkara style critique to really showcase what I am talking about.

Unbeatable Squirrel Girl 17 opens with Doreen and her friends going to attend a Lecture by none other than Melissa Morbeck herself! Who we learn is an alumni of Doreen’s college and is a very successful business woman in the field of programming technology. 

The Comic in this first page already starts trying to hype her up saying that she should need no introduction, that she donates generously to this school and that she is giving this lecture for free even though big businesses apparently pay large sums of money just to talk to her for 10 minutes, already setting up that she is quite intelligent and successful, and as a result, wealthy and famous.

After giving a Lecture on how engineers and programmers have a responsibility to Public Safety, Melissa singles out Doreen citing her comments during the lecture impressed her and invites her to her home for High Tea.

AT said location, Melissa reveals to Doreen that she is aware of her true identity as Squirrel Girl, and for some reason chooses to do this by making a metric ton of animal related Word Play. How Melissa discovered her Identity is not revealed as of yet.

Melissa then tells Doreen that she too has superpowers, the ability to communicate with animals, and to prove this she brings out a personal friend of hers Named Alfredo the Chicken, who she appears to be able to communicate with, having him perform specific actions Doreen requests to prove he is able to understand her. Doreen thinks he's really cute and is excited to meet someone with similar abilities to her own.

Melissa then goes on to say that she is a huge fan of what Squirrel Girl is doing and wishes to help her by Bankrolling her with her tremendous funds. At first Doreen doesn’t find that necessary but Melissa piques her interest by saying she will be able to provide her with some cool crime fighting gadgets, most notably a flying squirrel suit.

The Comic then jumps to Doreen fighting crime in her super cool new Flying Squirrel suit. She gets into a battle with The Rhino using it to fight and it seems to work extremely well for her, being a useful tool as Flight is Never a bad ability to have, but all is not as it seems.

In the last page of the comic Melissa Morbuck’s true colors are revealed, showcasing her to actually be cartoonishly Evil, complete with having a checklist on her monitor talking about how she plans to either turn Doreen Evil or Kill her, and literally ordering her bear chef to kill her chicken from earlier so she can eat him for dinner just for good measure…..MUhahahahahah! Anyway I will have more to say about that later, but Melissa’s first Issue isn’t bad, her Lecture scene and how she provides Doreen with genuinely helpful technology are well done, and while the last page was quite goofy, it seems to be intentionally so to play into the Dun Dun DUNN moment of the reveal. They coulda done better for sure, but so far she hasn’t done anything a good writer couldn’t work with so let’s see how they continue.

Issue 18 picks up a few days after the previous one ends and Doreen is still loving the new flying squirrel suit, and uses it to help Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi stop some random dude robbing a store.

Impressed with the utility of the suit Doreen takes them to Melissa’s to get them flight capabilities as well which seems to go over nicely. Melissa immediately offers to make suits for them as well, literally having her door scan their measurements as they entered apparently, but Doreen’s roommate Nancy is suspicious of her.

Nancy starts grilling Melissa with logistical questions of how she apparently traveled to Europe with a live chicken before she came here, saying that Civilians are not allowed to bring chickens through Customs unless they have a Form CRS-4563, and when Melissa responds that she got one of those, Nancy reveals she just made that up. In Response to this Doreen asks where Alfredo Is, which doesn’t go over well as Melissa obviously no longer has him, and when Melissa responds by having her Polar Bear Butlers lock the door they both figure out that she's evil.

So this scene pretty solidly damages Melissa’s threat level to me, she was just easily outsmarted by Nancy who is not a super genius but a Civilian College Student, and even if you wanna discount that as a Nancy intelligence feat rather than a Melissa Anti Feat, what is undeniable is that Alfredo the Chicken was a pretty crucial part of her charade with Doreen, and yet apparently she didn’t think for a second it would be a good idea to keep said chicken around, as she tried to kill and eat him seconds after she showed him to Doreen, which just royally came back to bite her here.

Anyway, Doreen jumps out the window with Nancy, and summons every squirrel on campus to her side to overtake Melissa’s home and bring her in. Melissa “counters” this however by summoning forth an army of Rats with her own abilities preparing to get into an all out war. This is treated as a huge threat by Doreen and the comic because, and I quote Melissa on this, “Rats Eat Squirrels For Breakfast.”

….ok, so when I read this comic for the first time, that really didn’t sound right to me, so I looked into it online, and after researching this subject I can safely say that that is Complete BULLSH*T. Rats are scavengers by nature, they are capable of being predatory but they aren’t designed for it and they don’t hunt and regularly eat living squirrels. And as to who would win in a fight between a Rat and a Squirrel, well it does somewhat depend on which species of both, but on average, Squirrels are notably larger than Rats. Since this takes place in New York City these would almost certainly be Brown Rats and Eastern Grey Squirrels, said squirrel species actually being 40% larger than the rat. Squirrels are more intelligent than Rats are, and proportionally are known for their insane athleticism, having much higher upper body strength, running speed and overall agility than Rats. And I have seen Biologists, the vast majority of online polls on the subject, and actual video proof that a Squirrel would dominate a rat in a confrontation like this. 

But that's not even going into the WAY Larger Elephant in the Room and that is, slight spoilers for Melissa’s abilities, but apart from being mind controlled…..these are just completely Normal Rats. Melissa isn’t able to raise the stats of the animals she controls like Doreen can. Meaning this is an army of normal Rats….fighting Squirrels strong and fast enough to tear through Doctor Doom’s Armor or injure the Abomination or other things like that!

Despite these facts I am telling you, Doreen does in fact NOT continue with her first plan to have the Squirrels defeat Melissa, and instead immediately caves to this threat and has all her Squirrels retreat. She then tries to escape the area herself using her flying suit, but because Melissa invented it she gave herself a way to remotely disable the suit, preventing her from doing this.

Melissa then comes outside in her Robe and tells Doreen to come back inside so they can talk, and Doreen listens to her and goes, sending Nancy off who calls the Police and tells them everything. Melissa just lets that happen however as she doesn’t think Nancy doing that matters because she's so smart.

Once inside, Melissa starts basically just insulting Doreen’s intelligence for being a goodie two shoes hero, and how she’s small minded and misinterpreted her message about responsibility and that she was really meaning the responsibility of Queens, Presidents and Dictators, in her words, “The Responsibility of deciding what gets built, what gets destroyed, who gets to live, and who dies” ya know, really compelling argument.

In this conversation she also reveals what’s been going on. Melissa controls a company that manufactures GPS Tracking chips for Animals, which secretly double as Mind Control devices that allow her to make them do whatever she wants. And how she sold them for Dirt cheap to a staggering amount of Zoos and Pet Owners giving her control over most of the animals humanity has in captivity.

And the comic ends with Melissa stating how she has given herself power over the whole world, and she unleashes all the animals in the central park zoo to go on a rampage with Nancy and the cops reacting to this in fear. Okay so, I have a few problems with this plan, the first and foremost being that again, these are still just Normal Animals, and as sad as it is to say people have Guns, and if someone did this even In Real Life, the world's Police Forces and Militaries would easily stop this. Especially in this scenario where we know the identity of the one who is causing this and can just arrest her to end it. And That’s Real Life, this is the mother freaking Marvel Universe, the world is full of Superheros, of gods, magic, super science etc, how on EARTH is this supposed to be a remote threat?

Issue 18 is really where the cracks with Melissa start to form. The Comic portrays her as having Doreen by the Nuts here trying to say she's a genius mastermind who can hold the world hostage. But if you think about it for 10 seconds you see all of her threats are empty with zero logical chance of working, and she was so dumb that a college student exposed her as evil within 60 seconds of meeting her. The only reason she's not already defeated seems to be just because Doreen refused to act via Character Induced Stupidity, and not just because of being intimidated by the Rats. Half of this comic Melissa, the normal human CEO lady, is sitting right in front of The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl face to face, with no special defenses or hostages of any kind…..and Doreen doesn’t just Knock her out and Arrest her, for no explained reason. I am making a big point of this now by the way, because this exact scenario is also going to happen a LOT in the next two issues, Melissa is at Doreen’s mercy and she just doesn’t do anything, the comic seeming to think there's a good reason she can’t when one really doesn’t exist.

Issue #19 picks up directly after the previous one left off and believe me it is the worst issue so far and I have a lot to say about it so let's get into it. It opens on a monologue delivered by Melissa on the history of her family as a way to explain her villainous origins and motives.

In it we learn that Melissa’s grandmother was a colleague of the great American Scientist Grace Hopper who, jealous of Hopper's accomplishments, attempted to sabotage her work by controlling Moths to fly into her machinery. She says that even after being fired, her grandmother never gave up trying to control animals, and her Mother continued this work but neither of them ever were fully successful, considering it impossible.

Melissa then mocks her grandmother's accomplishments saying how she only controlled Moths for sabotage while she currently has a bunch of Zoo animals preventing the authorities from entering and how she is much more impressive. So that's a complicated question, on the one hand I guess it is more impressive to control a wide variety of species, but on the other, controlling Insects to sabotage stuff is smart because it's subtle, no one who finds a bug inside their tech is going to immediately jump to ‘They were being controlled by some evil mastermind’, having a bunch of zoo animals openly fight the cops is insanely conspicuous, like you are basically asking to be caught here. Like despite Melissa’s grandios bolstering, controlling Normal Animals is not a very impressive ability for a series like MARVEL. We got Gods and Sci-Fi tech and Magic and shit, if you don’t stay completely under the radar they are GOING to catch you, that's just a fact.

So then we get to this page and I really have a lot to say on this one. So here Melissa tells us she was extremely ashamed and embarrassed of her Elders failures in trying to control animals, and she wanted nothing to do with trying to succeed in this task that she assumed was impossible, but then she heard about a girl in canada who had the ability to control Squirrels, which served as proof that what they were trying to do Was possible and now that she knew it could be done it inspired her to actually pull it off. Alright so a few calls for concern here. One, do you seriously expect me to believe that You had NO knowledge of any person in the Marvel universe who had control over Animals of any kind before Squirrel Girl? I mean there are SO Many of them? Ever heard of ANTMAN? He is a founding Member of the Avengers, and controls Ants through Tech he invented rather than an unreplicatable genetic power like Doreen’s, and you didn’t know about him? Yet you also apparently had heard about Doreen, even when she was back in Canada as a child before officially becoming a superhero? On top of that this page gives us Melissa’s entire motivation as a Villain. That her Grandma was an Envious cheater who failed to control animals, and that fact Embarrassed Melissa so bad that she invented animal control herself to prove she's better……and then started committing crimes with it just because? That IS seriously all we get. Oh and one last thing, Doreen brings up that she Totally Can Arrest Mellissa right now but is just letting her monologue, to which I ask, WHY?!

She reveals to Doreen that she has been using animals to spy on corporate and government secrets, and sabotage events for her own personal benefit. She also reveals that she was the one who made it so Doreen, Tomas and Ken all just happened to attend the same college, as she considered other people who can control animals her biggest threat, and thus wanted to study them closely.

So then we get another page of Melissa gloating and insulting Doreen. She says a lotta very specific things in this page I take issue with, first and foremost being “I thought you might be my protêgê, Doreen Green. Failing that, I thought you might be a threat. Turns out you were neither.” Excuse me? You don’t consider Squirrel Girl to be a threat? The girl who even in this comic run has already defeated countless cosmic threats including Gods, Celestials and Time Travelers is of no threat to you? A Woman who can control animals? Secondly, she goes on about how Doreen is stupid and small minded for using her power to help people instead of herself, ya know typical villain speak and her superiority complex. And most weirdly, that she gave her that Flight Suit with the hopes that providing her with MORE power would Make Doreen see things Melissa’s way. How exactly does giving her flight help with that? Melissa’s whole point is that controlling animals makes it easy to gather lots of intel for herself and Doreen should to, so how does Flight help with that? I Wouldn’t be harping on this much but the Flight Suit was EXPLICITLY Melissa’s Idea, it's not something Doreen thought of that she simply went along with.

After this Doreen seems to wake up from the weirdly passive mood she was in and again says that she can just get up and arrest her, but Melissa just laughs this off and is all ‘I Thought you could be a threat, but you’ve proven yourself to be Wholly Incapable of Stopping me’ to which I Completely fail to see how unless Melissa is also commenting on how Doreen seems to just not want to make a move on her for no reason right now. She then opens a secret passageway revealing two more bears armed with GUNS :O and forces Doreen to follow her at gunpoint, saying they will fire if she tries anything, and Doreen, seeming to take this as a serious threat, complies. 

Okay, So I understand that comics do stupid stuff like this all the time, I understand it's kinda the verses debater in me talking, but seriously, what in the actual hell is this? Squirrel Girl is Bullet Proof, I know she hasn’t actually Been Shot By a Bullet before to prove it, but Just in this same line of comics, she has had a giant communication satellite fall on her from orbit, she has been shot point blank by multiple blasts from Doctor Doom with intent to kill,

Hell she was able to Tank a point Blank Explosion that would have Killed Dormammu! I don’t care what kinda generic guns those are, they aren’t a threat to Doreen. And hell even if Doreen COULD be hurt by the bullets, how on Earth 616 do they expect to HIT her? Squirrel Girl is ridiculously faster than light, remember that time she Sucker Punched the Silver Surfer before he could react?

I Do. Bullets would appear frozen in time relative to Squirrel Girl, she could read an entire dictionary and check it for spelling mistakes before that bear could even THINK of pulling the trigger, let alone knockout everyone here and win. I WISH she would do that, if nothing else just to wipe that Smug demeanor off Melissa’s face. Melissa’s powers are pathetic by Marvel standards, she is completely screwed right now and at Doreen’s Mercy, but she thinks she has the entire World screwed right now and at HER Mercy, and against all logic both Doreen and the comic itself thinks she's right, it's so frustrating!

Anyway, next Melissa, like the unstoppable Genius mastermind woman that she is, brings her foe directly to the machine she's controlling all the animals from and explains that’s exactly what it is. I am Stunned by the Brilliance this character consistently displays.

But don’t worry, lucky for Melissa, Doreen yet again refuses to spring into action right now. So Melissa monologues more about the device saying it allows her to send her thoughts directly to the animals that had chips installed in them as orders, and the chips enhance the intelligence of these animals enough to understand them. In this panel Doreen notes that the device seems to use stolen tech from the likes of Tony Stark and FREAKING Doctor Doom, with Melissa in response to the latter saying “Victor’s such a charmer when he thinks he has the advantage.” Alright, yeah, this comic did straight up have this character say she is comparable to if not more wise and calculating than DOOM, and also expects us to believe that. She is making light of Doom while acting like he is beneath her. Ya know, Doom, the villain who is so OP Doreen got this whole revival after not appearing in a comic for 15 years simply because fans found her beating him so crazy they never forgot her? Oh yeah and Melissa also takes another opportunity to insult Doreen’s intelligence for thinking maybe she can destroy the device, specifically saying again “Even if you’re not a threat.” to which Lady, yes she freaking is, hell in the bottom right panel she can just headbutt you and win. You just said your animals need your conscious thoughts to do ANYTHING, so your bears literally couldn’t even fire their supposedly dangerous guns if she did so.

Anyway Melissa reveals that she stole Pym Particles from Antman and uses them to shrink her device and ….wait, so you DID know who Antman was?! And worse than that, Holy Shit first Tony Stark, then Doctor Doom and now Hank Pym? This comic REALLY wants you to believe that 3 of the Smartest AND Most Paranoid Super Geniuses in the history of Marvel with the most advanced security systems known to man, simply have No means of stopping normal Animals from stealing their stuff? Melissa isn’t doing something ridiculous like controlling bacteria to scan and send her blueprint data or something, she literally showed a bird with a camera around its neck fly up to Tony Stark’s tower and record his stuff, that is freaking Asinine that that would work. Anyway Doreen finally decides to do something and attacks the bears, easily disarming them of their guns.

But she's too late! As despite her best efforts, Melissa still managed to win by……having cockroaches insert the shrunken device into her Ear Canal? A move that does absolutely nothing to stop Doreen from punching her in the face. After some more gloating, Melissa orders her Bears to restrain Doreen and after a witty line from Squirrel Girl, we get one of the Dumbest and most Memeable pages I have seen in a LONG Time.

Doreen Green, The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, quickly loses a fight to Three Bears. These are Not statistically amplified Bears, these are 3 apart from being mind controlled, completely Normal Bears. Squirrel Girl. 

The girl who casually Beat Thanos in a Fist Fight, OFF Screen cause of how Onesided it was, which this comic brings up all the time, is not able to Overcome Three Bears! Who the F*ck Wrote this that thinks a Polar Bear is Significantly Stronger than THANOS? Even Little Kids Don’t think Bears can fight Superheroes, why on Earth do They?

Doreen can lift a Bulldozer or an entire building, How can the weight of 3 bears pin her? This is SO Ridiculous, it actually can distract someone from the other huge problems in this page. Like how Melissa starts mocking Doreen for the ability to control squirrels being Lame and that her controlling any animal is better. Isn’t that like, directly contradictory to everything she said this entire comic and hypocritical as all hell? And then capitalized on by Melissa doubling down on the end saying No one can Stop her because SHE controls animals.

Anyway Melissa escapes through a Teleporter she stole from Avengers Tower, cause of course, and Doreen’s friends come back soon after and they stop the bears. After this the heroes try to find Melissa for weeks but to no avail.

But then after all of that Melissa has crows fly a Big Banner over the city, claiming to be Doctor Doom, threatening the populace with deadly mosquitos if they do not surrender. Really a Big Banner in the sky? That is a Really inefficient manner for a supervillain to deliver their demands but what do I know.

And the issue closes on a swarm of Mosquitos encroaching on the city. A wise man once said,

‘THIS COMIC SUCKS!’ This is the issue that cemented in my Mind just how Awful a character Melissa is in literally every facet. Melissa is laughably pathetic, but the writers try to make her threatening by severely Nerfing the physicality, intellect and competence of every established character she comes across to make it look like she’s walking all over them. You are making Characters people know, and like already, look stupid and weak for the sake of making your new character look good and that alone would already be terrible. But the thing that makes this issue truly insufferable for me is just how much of an Arrogant, Vain Egomaniac Melissa is about the whole thing, basically rubbing the readers face in the fact that she's getting away with all of this even though it doesn’t make any sense. It's less like seeing a confident Antagonist mock the heroes, and exactly like seeing someone openly cheating do so, I am not feeling intimidated, I am feeling frustrated and annoyed.

Issue #20 is the final part of the initial Melissa Morbeck storyline. It IS better than the previous Issue I will say, but the difference isn’t too big in my humble opinion.

Continuing immediately after the last issue again, Doreen, Nancy, Tomas, Ken, Mary and Tippy Toe put their heads together trying to figure out how best to deal with Melissa’s insane Mosquito threat.

But that quickly becomes irrelevant as what seems to be Melissa Morbeck, disguised as Doctor Doom shows up with an army of animals to confront our heroes. So for the sake of efficiency and ease of explaining, I am going to summarize the next several pages of the comic as they happen without offering much of my two cents on it, and then I am going to give my full thoughts on Melissa’s plan after it is all established.

Melissa tries to tell them she is Doctor Doom, but they do not buy it as they have met him multiple times. Melissa however states that even though They know she's fake, everyone else will believe that it's the real Doom, and all she has to do is yell “Curse you, Reed Richards” a couple times. Doreen and co tell Melissa that the REAL Doctor Doom isn’t going to like this, and that he’ll probably kill her, but Melissa counters that Doom would never believe Doreen, which I found a little odd, I think there's a Powerpuff girls joke that will sum up how that convo would go.

Doom: You Will Tell me, Who Dared Impersonate DOOM, Squirrel Girl!

SG: How do you know I won’t Lie?

Doom: Because you’re Squirrel Girl.

SG: NUTS!

But Melissa leads into her trump card moment with the line, “Afterall. YOU’RE the one who caused the animals to attack.

Melissa then exposites that her plan is to Frame Squirrel Girl for being the one who is truly responsible for this attack, saying that this is what people will naturally assume since she is the only person who lives in New York who is known for having the ability to control animals. Doreen brings up the fact that she only has the ability to control Squirrels, but Melissa snaps back “or so you Claim” with the implication being that for all the public knows she could have had the ability to control other animals this whole time and kept it secret.

Nancy then pulls off The Doom Mask to reveal that it is merely one of Melissa’s mind controlled bears and she has been talking to them wirelessly this whole time. Melissa cackles and tells them that there is no attack of diseased Mosquitoes actually coming, and reveals that the plan was to make it seem as though Squirrel Girl used animal control powers to fabricate this fake Doctor Doom attack so she can stop it and get all sorts of praise and glory as a result.

Doreen Vehemently argues that she is not in the Superhero Business for fame or glory, and that she merely wants a world that is safe and everyone can be friends. But Melissa just laughs at this charade she thinks Doreen is playing, finding the very idea of someone who gives themself the moniker “Unbeatable” isn’t in it for marketing unbelievable. She says that this is obviously what everyone who witnesses this will think, about how she set this whole fake crime up and then planned to kidnap the real Doom so he couldn’t expose her, and how she should just accept she was bested by someone smarter. Nancy says people won’t believe her so Melissa counters with “It’s not a hard call for people to choose between Doreen-an animal talking egomaniac, and me, a concerned citizen who wants to make a difference.”

And that is the whole sequence of Melissa’s evil plan reveal, here's a cute picture of Squirrel Girl while I gather my thoughts.

Holy Nuts on a Nut Sandwich! That is one of the single most Stupid, Dense, Brainless, Mindless, Foolish, Dimwitted, Empty-Headed, Vapid, Moronic, Idiotic, Imbecilic, Nonsensical, Absurd, Ludicrous, Insane, Dumb, Asinine and Halfwitted plans I have EVER Heard in my ENTIRE LIFE! Melissa you Complete Ignoramus!

Alright let's break down exactly WHY this is the dumbest plan ever. So first is the overall concept of the plan is to frame Doreen as having secretly been a bad guy, so It is important to establish what Doreen’s reputation is in the eyes of the public so we can assess how realistic it would be for someone to think she is evil.

Doreen has constantly been praised by news media outlets and is cheered by huge swells of people for the good work she does as a hero even long before her revival in these new comics. She is recognized by S.H.I.E.L.D. as having taken down some of the biggest threats in the universe, and quite publicly saved, the city of new york, the Earth, the Universe and even the entire Omniverse at one point all before this comic took place. Some of these exploits included singlehandedly stopping Thanos, talking Galactus out of Consuming the Earth, reversed Enigmo taking over the rolls of every human on earth Invasion of the Body Snatchers style, and most relevantly, Stopped an Evil clone of herself from taking over the World and making Squirrels the dominant species. 

That last one is most relevant because in order to accomplish it Doreen in front of the entire superhero community that she rescued and the world as a whole, actually achieved one of the single most impressive feats of goodness one can do in the Marvel Universe, proving yourself worthy to wield Mjolnir. The only way to do this is for you to be completely pure of heart and have the spirit of a true hero, and It means it to the point that the vast, vast majority of Marvel Heroes could never wield it, something that is fairly common knowledge in universe and Doreen blatantly did in front of everyone.

Doreen has an extremely good reputation with everyone she interacts with, having publicly worked with The Avengers as well as members of the Fantastic Four, The Spider-Family, The Rising Heroes and everyone in between and they all have nothing but good things to say about her. She has her own popular public access Radio channel where she offers self help advice to struggling people in her spare time. She is also known for actively redeeming and helping several villains reform, notably even if doing so makes her look kinda stupid, like the time she fought Kraven the Hunter and proceeded to just toss him super high into the air, catch him and repeat the process over and over to stop him from hurting any animals while she thought of a solution to his problem. On top of that, Unlike a lot of other Heroes, Doreen’s reputation has never been damaged before by someone impersonating her or using mind control. So yeah, in terms of sheer reputation, Doreens is basically as close to flawless as you can get especially at the time, being known as a super goodie two shoes, impressive and world saving hero, trusted by all their favorite heroes, Worthy of the power of Thor, and so dedicated to helping everyone she’ll make herself look like a total goof in public.

So naturally, someone with a public reputation like Doreen’s, would be someone people would have an extremely hard time believing she's done anything wrong, as it contradicts basically every piece of information they would know about her. Squirrel Girl being a villain who fabricates crimes for her to stop is an Extraordinary Claim, and naturally would require some Extraordinary Evidence to make people accept it. Melissa, notably has NO Evidence whatsoever, her entire plan simply relied on her making a false crisis, and revealing it to Be so once Doreen showed up, assuming that people will naturally assume she’s responsible, even though this does not implicate her in any real way. You might as well ask people to believe Batman went on a mass shooting, or Goku won a nobel prize, or Captain Marvel is a total sweetheart.

Then we get to the second and probably the dumbest aspect of this plan, Melissa committed this crime via controlling a huge variety of Non-Squirrel Animals, an ability Squirrel Girl does not have, and more importantly for this, has never showcased or claimed to be one of her powers. Melissa deflects this by saying that as far as the public knows she Could have had this power and kept it secret, and since she's already here and can control ONE kind of animal already, they would easily assume she has that power too. And that is where the conversation stops, but….No? We need to talk about how much of an Insane Leap of Logic that Is. First and foremost, literally ANYONE Can have ANY Power and just Not tell people about it, Squirrel Girl could secretly be able to shoot lasers from her eyes, Ghost Rider could have the power to turn into a magical girl, heck, Spider-Man might have the ability to Fart Fire and Teleport 2 Inches in Any Direction and just kept it on the downlow, but you cannot ever prove it one way or another. The fact of the matter is just because Squirrel-Control and Animal-Control are related powers, doesn’t make Doreen more likely to have it than anyone else, plenty of heroes in the Marvel universe have powers that are completely unconnected to each other, and this is a world that has MULTIPLE subspecies of humans that are just born with random superpowers. That means any man, woman and child on Earth is technically just as likely to have this power and be doing this, even if they are on the other side of the planet as their range is also dependent.

The Occam’s Razor notion comes to mind in situations like this. Melissa claims Doreen did this crime, using a superpower she always had but never once used before, which is not provable by example. Meanwhile Doreen would claim that Melissa did it, and like, if they investigated her at all they’d discover, ‘Hmmmm, Melissa Morbeck owned a company that sold GPS Chips to the owners of every single one of these animals, the sole commonality’ And then all it would take is one Marvel scientist to examine one of these chips to learn what’s going on here.

Then we get to my 3rd Note, where we ask the question, if we give the benefit of the doubt and assume that Doreen IS Evil and CAN control all Animal Species, would it make any sense for her to do this? Well frankly No it wouldn’t. Melissa claims that the motivation behind Doreen’s actions is for her brand, to increase her glory, reputation, ego and street cred so to speak, but as we have already established in the defense of Squirrel Girl’s character up there, Doreen already has an INSANELY Good reputation, she has defeated many of the strongest villains in Marvel, she has saved the world and beyond numerous times, S.H.I.E.L.D. Already considers her the greatest metahuman combatant they have ever seen. Doreen saving New York City yet again, against Doctor Doom, a villain she already beat when she was a 14 year old, would be pretty typical of her at this point and really wouldn’t do anything to improve such a reputation. On top of that, she would be risking EVERYTHING about this reputation she apparently values so much doing this. What are the chances this Fake Doctor Doom would get tackled by some other superhero while attacking NEW YORK in MARVEL? Basically this plan would be So High Risk/Low Reward that no reasonable person would ever attempt it. Especially when, This is Marvel, wait 4 hours and there will be SOMETHING real you can stop.

Now for my fourth and final note about this plan I’m just going to ask miscellaneous other questions that this plan raises, such as ‘Doreen in Melissa’s scenario clearly would not have planned for the fake doom to be revealed as a Bear, so what would be the point of keeping her animal manipulation secret all this time? Clearly it's easier to market yourself if you control every animal than just one kind’; ‘If Doreen could control every kind of animal but only publicly wanted to control 1, why did she pick Squirrels? Surely there would be a more logical option for crime fighting if you could choose’; ‘Why did Doreen and Co themselves unmask the fake Doom as a bear if they are the ones behind this plot?’; ‘Why was, oh she clearly was going to kidnap the REAL Doom after this just a throw away line Melissa, that sounds like an extremely hard to accomplish operation to pull off’; and most bafflingly Why on Earth does Melissa believe that everyone will totally believe her, some old rich fortune 500 lady, who is the granddaughter of a disgraced government saboteur apparently, over Squirrel Girl, the wholesome superhero and public servant who has been saving the day since she was a kid? In my personal experience people in America tend to think that the richest people on Earth are probably shady behind the scenes as a rule of thumb.

So Basically, Melissa Morbeck’s Genius plan relied on the General Public, News Media, Law Enforcement, The Superhero Community, and freaking Doctor Doom somehow, all collectively coming to the same conclusion that ‘Squirrel Girl, one of the Nicest Heros on Earth, was secretly a selfish, manipulative glory hog, who then risked her entire reputation to stage a fake crime, using Superpowers she’s never been established to have, to make herself look good when she already looked the maximum amount of good to start’ pretty much just based on her word.

Getting back to the comic, Melissa in all her infinite Wisdom then shows up on the scene in person in a Helicopter with J. Jonah Jameson and starts yelling into a speaker trying to spin this that her company developed technology that has overridden Doreen’s control and gave it to Melissa just now and she's here to personally stop her.

And my God, this is one of the most Cringe scenes I have read in Marvel as Melissa just keeps yelling all of these absurd lines trying SO Hard to convince people of her ruse, but she sounds like some kinda Alien the entire time and is clearly way more focused in spouting off her narrative than ya know, focusing on the supposed threat of Squirrel Girl she’s supposedly so invested in stopping.

Anyway, Squirrel Girl, Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi get into a big fight scene with the animals, which they really should win in 10 seconds but whatever at this point.

Meanwhile Nancy, Mary and Tippy Toe sneak off and invent a makeshift EMP device and sneak it over to Melissa, which then fries her invention she's using to control the animals and disables her powers, causing her to be defeated.

As they are arresting her Doreen tries to reach Melissa and have her come to learn a lesson about all this and Melissa is still super defiant and infact goes on to state that Squirrel Girl didn’t defeat her, she only got lucky and that all she needed to do is put EMP Shielding on her device and this would have ended completely different and OMG Shut the Hell Up Melissa. Not shielding your device from an EMP is far from the only mistake you made today, the second you arrived on the scene Doreen coulda just jumped into your Helicopter and knocked your teeth out, would have been the exact same effect as the EMP.

The Police then arrive on scene and Melissa as a desperate Hail Mary tries to sell her story to the cops and get them to arrest her, but then the first super logical thing happens in this storyline as every single Superhero in New York messages the Officers, giving their Testimonials of how Squirrel Girl is a true hero and would never be behind a plot like this. And that convinces the Officers to believe her side of the story and arrest Melissa. This is suppose to be a really triumphant moment that the whole superhero community rallied behind her and that's what let her win in the end, but I think it comes off as feeling rather hollow given that that was obviously the inevitable outcome as again, Doreen has a spotless track record and anyone with eyes can see how Sus this frame job is.

And so our comic Ends with Melissa in prison getting a visit from a woman who reveals herself to be none other than The Squirrel of the World Tree, Ratatoskr, the Asgardian God of Chaos and Squirrel Girl’s Arch Nemesis, who expresses interest in teaming up with Melissa. And THIS Plotline…..never goes anywhere. Like seriously, Ratatoskr does come back later WITHOUT Melissa, and offhandedly mentions this saying she quickly decided to change her mind about breaking her out. 

Now Melissa DOES come back after this in the final 4 issue story of the Squirrel Girl run, but that's mostly because the plot of said story is all of Doreen’s villains coming back to get revenge on her, her being one of the most prominent that was actually made to BE a Squirrel Girl villain. And while Melissa was really dumb in that too, that story was overall very good and did actually show Melissa get massively shown up by Doctor Doom so that helps.

But Overall, the Melissa Morbeck storyline is EASILY the Worst Storyline in the entirety of the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl series, even including all of those GLX and Avengers Comics she was in. Melissa is basically some overconfident mcguffin of a villain who makes everyone else look like fools, NOT by being way smarter than them, but because everyone actually IS acting like fools.

One of the most sad things about these comics is The Flying Squirrel Suit, which if you read the fan letters in the backs of these comics before this storyline, you’ll see that tons of people really wanted her to Get a suit like this, it basically being a Fan creation, and they have a villain make it for her and destroy it the very next issue and she doesn’t get a new one for the entire rest of this comic run. Like really? Why can’t SHE build one? Doreen built a new Robot Suit for Brain Drain in 15 minutes once, she invented Time Travel when she was 10 years old. I THINK she can figure out how to build a flight suit. Hell one of her best friends is Tony Stark, the Billionaire Supergenius who makes flying suits as his Day Job? Can’t she get him to make one, I know he’d do it and it would probably take 10 minutes. Like This is the Marvel Universe, it’s full of INSANE Sci-Fi Tech and has the most impressive Intelligence feats of any series ever, A Jetpack is a piece of tech only Barely outside the reach of science IRL. This is the kinda tech that any random villain's Henchmen could have and you wouldn’t bat an eye so why can’t she get one from anywhere else?

My Good friend Imp has a way of judging villains that I think is really smart, ranking them in 3 total categories, so I thought a Good way to end this discussion is to give my rank for her.

Threatening: Melissa Morbeck is pitifully unthreatening. She herself is an untrained and powerless Old Lady, and her power is to control animals, something that realistically only the lowest street tier heroes could be even somewhat threatened by. Now there are more ways to Be threatening than just being physically tough, and Melissa in fact is set up to be more of an intelligent scheming mastermind villain. But she's also terrible in that aspect as well, she got found out for being Evil by a college student in minutes, immediately wrote Squirrel Girl off as being any kind of threat to her, and then tried to convince the Public she was Evil pretty much just by creating a weird situation with animals in the city, which only a conspiracy theorist would ever be able to connect back to her, despite her having Weeks of prep time to think of something better. The Reality of the situation is Melissa Morbeck is supposed to be a villain that can Rival Squirrel Girl, but I would have no trouble believing that Hawkeye would be able to defeat her, and that should be pretty telling of how much of a problem this is. At least in Stringleshanks storyline of the Zatanna comics they had him use manipulation and surprise to score his extremely uphill battle. Melissa basically ONLY gets by because characters act illogically.

Compelling: Compelling might actually be Melissa’s Weakest point, because if there is one thing she actually MIGHT Be able to give Doom a Run for his money in, it's how much of a Vain, Arrogant Egomaniac she is. Melissa constantly insults and belittles Doreen Green saying she is so much smarter and better than she is and similarly mocks and belittles basically everyone else she mentions in comparison to herself. Her entire motivation for being Evil is because her family was humiliated for not being able to control animals, and then she mocks her family Herself for not doing so. Melissa is already Rich, Famous and Powerful, but she now wants more and more power, and tries to hurt small animals just for good measure. I think the biggest nail in her coffin is that Squirrel Girl, despite her supernatural Charisma, able to redeem villains, Reform Celestial Gods, Create Galactic peace in a Waring Galaxy and Earn Doctor Doom’s respect, cannot Reach Melissa at all, she is the most stubborn and unapologetic of all the villains she has faced.

Entertaining: Lastly there is Entertaining and Melissa commits one of the worst crimes you can make in this category, being super Cringe. Melissa introduces herself to Doreen by making all these weird animal puns back to back and pretending to talk to a chicken, and I tell you I can barely stand reading her yelling into a megaphone these long overcomplicated narrations of what was happening in her narrative to try and convince people. When Melissa is not doing that, she's monologuing about how incredible she is and her plan is great, which just leaves me frustrated because Objectively no it is not. Melissa isn’t cool, or charismatic or funny or weird or interesting or other such things that would make a character score high, she's just an entitled old Karen. No I don’t wanna watch her make Breakfast, because I didn’t wanna see her try to take over the world even.

So Yeah, That's why I hate Melissa Morbeck, I hope you thought I made some good points or at the very least enjoyed my ranting. And Hey, if you like this content, feel free to let me know if you want me to try this with the Ghost Rider series. I don’t have any Ghost Rider villains I hate THIS Much….well okay I DO but the comic doesn’t consider her a villain :P.